


Today on Hogsmeade Radio, with your favourite host Luna Lovegood!

by Fox_the_Hermit



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: AU, Fusion, Gen, Hogsmeade, Humor, Ministry of Magic (mentioned), and Luna Lovegood as the radio host, and not written, basically this is if Hogsmeade was Night Vale, it was a podfic, random employee of the Ministry of Magic, so i'm sorry about that, this would be way better if, you know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-03
Updated: 2018-02-03
Packaged: 2019-03-13 03:39:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13561986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fox_the_Hermit/pseuds/Fox_the_Hermit
Summary: A friendly highland community where the air is fresh, the mountains are beautiful, and creeping shadows howl in the streets while we lie in bed and pretend to sleep.Welcome to Hogsmeade.





	Today on Hogsmeade Radio, with your favourite host Luna Lovegood!

A friendly highland community where the air is fresh, the mountains are beautiful, and creeping shadows howl in the streets while we lie in bed and pretend to sleep.

Welcome to Hogsmeade.

 

Before reading out the mandatory Ministry notice, I’d like to draw everyone’s attention to the beautiful sunrise that early risers witnessed today. The sun came up unexpectedly, almost three hours ahead of the usual time. It filled the air with a most wondrous noise, as though a hundred syrens were singing in our beautiful little valley. The clouds that descended from the skies had filled our streets and presented to us the most beautiful visions, and although anyone that ventured into them had not returned as of this moment, we should still hope that they will eventually return. After all, hope is all that we can have for free, when everything else comes with a price tag attached.

 

Now, the Ministry would like to notify _you_ , citizens of Hogsmeade, that all pet dragons are to be re-registered, as the old records have burned down in a complete accident. The accident had absolutely nothing to do with an escaped Norwegian Ridgeback, because there is no escaped Norwegian Ridgeback loose in our peaceful little community. However, any sightings of large, black, winged lizard-like beings should be reported to the nearest Auror. “The lizard will not harm you. It will not burn you. It will not bite, maim, poison, dismember, or kill you,” the Ministry official, that told me all this, insisted.

The Ministry would also like to notify you that the Knockturn Alley sinkhole has returned, and all citizens should remember to keep their distance from it, unless they wish to take an unplanned journey from which they shall never return.

Do not approach the sinkhole.

Do not investigate the sinkhole.

Do not throw your things, pets or relatives into the sinkhole.

The sinkhole will not harm you if you do not approach the sinkhole.

Personally, I would advise people not to approach any sinkhole on principle, as sinkholes are extremely untrustworthy and are highly dangerous no matter their origin.

 

In _other_ news, Mr Remus Lupin, who is certainly not a werewolf, has stated that there appears to be an increase in the number of Dementors in the Azkaban Park. He says that the temperature has dropped another few degrees, and that the Black Lake has cooled by one degree. Mr Lupin believes that it is unlikely that the Dementors will harm visitors to the park, if the visitors do not feed the Dementors. As he is the primary expert on Dementors outside of the Ministry, I would urge you, citizens of Hogsmeade, to take his advice. Do not feed the Dementors.

 

Oh! A Ministry official has appeared inside my recording booth with a note, and has disappeared after giving the note to me. Now, let’s see… Ah. The Ministry would like to remind you about what you should know about Dementors. The reminder is that you should know _nothing_ about Dementors, as they do not exist. They are certainly not in the Azkaban Park, the park that no one is allowed to enter. The Ministry says that no one is allowed to educate themselves about Dementors. No one is allowed to believe in Dementors, as they are not real. Azkaban Park park is a forbidden area, and must not be thought about. The park will not harm you.

 

There are strangers in our town, citizens of Hogsmeade! They have come to the village in a car, after the sunrise. What do they want? Who are they? With their strange clothes, with their lack of cloaks, and their strangely grim expressions, they are certainly _strangers_ to our little town. They say they are here on vacation. We have all, of course, been on vacations. But we have never left our town for vacations. We have satisfactorily vacationed here, in our little town. Why have they left their towns? Where are their towns? Are they _actually_ here for a vacation? How can we know? How can we know _anything_? What right do we have to know anything about our inscrutable, infinitely complex universe?

 

I often ask myself: Luna, how do you know that you know something? How are you aware of knowledge? How are you even aware of _yourself_ ? What is _you_ , Luna?

I can not answer that question. I can not answer any question. All I can do is speak into the Void and hope that it does not listen back… or respond, in any fashion whatsoever.

 

I will report on the situation with the strangers as it develops.

 

The Nargle population in the library is rising again, says Irma Pince. She says that they are hiding in the books, and that all the books that are taken out have to be checked carefully, or you may spread the infestation to your house. However, as no one has been able to enter the library since July, that may not be an issue that anyone needs to concern themselves with.

 

Wandmaker Ollivander would like to inform everyone that all wands with unicorn hairs are not to be used next Tuesday, due to the approaching eclipse. He would also like everyone to remember to take care of their wands, as he does not appreciate replacing them. He seemed quite insistent on that last point, almost crying in front of the studio door out of frustration. I would urge you to listen to him, citizens. He seemed quite desperate. _Quite_ desperate. He had lightning sparking in his hair, and his eyes were flashing quite fearsomely. The Wrackspurts were unusually afraid of him, and have even left the station!

 

Now, let us take a moment to think about safety. Parents, when you let your children play outside, please make sure that they are dressed appropriately for the weather. Make sure that they are prepared for a possible kidnapping. Remember to watch the skies for birds.

Here are some tips for bird identification.

Red and gold and on fire? They are phoenixes and all your children are quite safe, although they will be unusually cheerful for the next week.

Multicolored and very bright? Please evacuate your children. They are fwoopers, and their song causes insanity. Any sightings are to be reported to the Aurors.

Very large? Then everything’s fine. Rocs hardly ever take children, although your pets may be in danger.

Various sizes, dark and losing feathers at an unusual rate? Do not play in the area.  Lock yourselves in your homes and prepare to ignite infernos that will devour everything, including your immortal souls. Ignore all screams. Keep yourselves safe, and wait for the Aurors to leave blood rune sigils on your windows, to signify that is is once again safe to leave your homes.

 

The Hogwarts Lions Quidditch team’s practice was interrupted today by the appearance of several Muggle helicopters, which were promptly eaten by the Keeper. The practice was not severely disrupted, as the players had not even been aware of the incident until after the practice ended. It is unknown how the helicopters appeared in the stadium, and whether eating them will affect Oliver, requiring the team to use a different dragon in the game against the Snakes, the Quidditch team of our rival town’s school, Durmstrang. There are strong suspicions that it was them that attempted to sabotage the practice.

They are _always_ trying to prove their superiority through more creative mascot displays, prettier uniforms, fancier brooms and better weather on the day of the games, and possibly, by trying to poison our best Keeper during practice.

Be ashamed of yourselves, students of Durmstrang. Be ashamed of your cowardly tactics and lack of guts, which prevents you from facing our team head-on.

 

The Dark Magic Society warns citizens not to let any strange children inside your home at night. The Society says that they are not children. They say that they are not alive. They say that letting them in will result in dreadful consequences for those who let them in. The DMS says to ignore the scratching at the windows, the gurgling screams and the ominous chanting in the night. Additionally, all black cats are to be turned in to the Ministry’s Department for the Control of Magical Creatures to check that they are, indeed, cats.

 

A report on the traffic situation: Due to the recent plague of rats, all the roads are still closed. There is no traffic.

 

There has been a press release from the Daily Prophet today. Rita Skeeter, the owner of the Daily Prophet, stated that they have started publishing a new magazine, the “Black Cat”, to discuss the most relevant problems of today. New issues will be released every Octaday, which, as we all know, happens on the eighth day of the week, every second week. The magazines will be sold in the Prophet’s new newspaper stall, at Number Twelve Grimmauld Place. When the reporters questioned Rita Skeeter about the fact that no such house exists, her eyes glazed over. Then she turned into a small beetle and flew away.

 

An update about the strangers that arrived in our town today. Their names are now known to the public: the black haired man in Harry Potter, the ginger man is Ron Weasley, and the with woman with the beautiful bushy hair, and dark and beautiful brown eyes is Hermione Granger. Oh, that hair. That gorgeous, wild, beautiful mane of hair. We all love it and adore it and hate it in equal measure, for it the most beautiful hair, and its owner is the most perfect and beautiful person I have ever seen.

The three of them will be staying in the Leaky Cauldron, which, as we all know, is the best place to stay in Hogsmeade when you have no home of your own. They have not revealed any secret motives for their visit, and when reporters had tried to question them, the three simply stared at them with dead eyes, fingering their wands.

 

And now, for a brief public service announcement:

Nemean lions. Are they native to our town? No. Can they kill your children? Yes. Should you be afraid of them? Yes.

This has been a public service announcement.

 

Remember Mr Remus Lupin, the one who is most certainly not a werewolf? He came by earlier with a bar of chocolate. It was good chocolate, I have to say. Mr Lupin has good taste in chocolate.

He says it will help fight off the effect of the Dementors’ aura if you fall under its influence. He asked me to pass on that advice to you, listeners, in case Dementors ever attack. Of course, as Dementors do not exist, we do not have to be afraid of them.

 

The Diagon Alley Business Coalition would like to announce that it has recently renovated the old shop down the street to the right of the Leaky Cauldron, and that the new ‘Gladhags Meat Store’ will surely be a raging success. I have been there myself; and I must say, the selection of meat looks _delightful_.

 

And now, a message from our sponsors.

 

_Eyes. Eyes look. They look and stare and observe. Eyes are colourful. Eyes are beautiful. Eyes are useful._

_Eyes. Eyes. EYES._

_Let them look and observe. Let them to what they are created for. Let them look upon the world and consume it._

 

This message was brought to you by Flourish and Blotts.

 

Now, as you settle down to lie in bed with your eyes open, listening to the howls of the moving shadows, remember. Remember your family. Remember your friends. Remember those happy days of your childhood, if you had one.

It will be a dark night, tonight, with clear skies open to the dark and endless void.

 

Good night, listeners. Good night.

 

* * *

 

 

Today’s proverb:

_Do not tickle a sleeping dragon._

 

**Author's Note:**

> Just a random little idea I had a while ago, and have finally edited to be post-able. If anyone knows how to better tag this, please let me know, because I've given up.  
> This may or may not stay a one-shot.


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